Thursday, September 20, 2012

Better living through science.

This month has been a comprised of tests, appointments, and new medical gear. After a lifetime of suffering through a variety of seemingly unrelated symptoms, I am finally getting answers to the majority of them.

It has required the assistance of a rolpher, a dermatologist, a neurologist, a sleep research center and their doctor, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, an orthopedic doctor, and a physical therapist.

Needless to say, I have high hopes for finally enjoying something that most people do easily on a nightly basis; sleep.

Friday, March 12, 2010

The Aftermath

It is the day after my last midterm for this semester. 

Yesterday was rough.  I had two tests in one day.  That in of itself is nothing to outstanding.  The first test was chemistry and it was tiring because of the amount of calculations I had to do.  The second test was biology.  Unfortunately it was on topics that I am historically not very good at.  Luckily, I am starting to understand metabolism better.  I understand the basic framework but still have a difficulty remembering the different molecules and reacts and products.  I am hoping one day it will just stick.  It was a horrifically long test and it falls into the catagory of  "I either did pretty well or bombed it completely".

I have one day of emotional respite before having to face family and friends and yet another funeral. 
Maybe this was part of why yesterday was so exhausting.  Even though I had been studying in preparation for my tests, I was already a vat of volitile emotions.  Looking back now, I think I was a little too amped up for this week and my tests.  I think it cost me valuable energy reserves and I exhausted myself unneedlessly.

I am still tired today.  I really need to learn not to think too much.  Today is all about recovery and cleaning both mentally and environmentally (ie my apartment).

Sunday, March 7, 2010

What is grief?

In the past two years, I have had to deal with several significant losses in quick succession.  However, death is not something that is foreign to me.  It seems that my life has been splattered with clusters of loss.  This most recent loss makes me wonder about the nature of grief.

Grieving is more like expressing the feelings of being left behind and every other feeling that is associated.  It could be abandonment, anger, guilt, frustration, or regret.  At least for me that is what grief means.  It contains all the could-have-been's, should-have-been's, and what-will-never-be's.  Death and grieving is not only the end of a person's life but the end of the possibilities and potentials of that relationship.  Hope.  Death of a loved one is like death of hope.

Grief is a way of getting over that small loss of hope.  I feel like I have lost quite a bit of hope through the deaths of all of these important people in my life.  I think that is why it has been so hard to deal with grief lately.  Time heals all wounds, right?  I guess I will need a lot of time to grieve.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

In Memory of My Lola

Today I found out that someone very important to me had passed.  My lola.  Lola is the Filipino word for grandmother.  Even though Lola was not my blood related grandmother, I though of her as much.  She took care of me like I was one of her own.

The last time I saw her, she had already suffered at least one stroke that prevented her from speaking.  I was worried that she would recognize me since it had been many years since we had seen each other.  But after a few minutes, a big smile came across her face, she grabbed my hands and tears came to her eyes.  I cried.  I was so happy that she remembered me and could recognize me even after almost 12 years having past.

But not long after that, she suffered more illness and could no longer communicate to the outside world.  I wanted to sit with her, talk with her but I couldn't bring myself to see a once strong, loving, independent woman in such a state.  I felt it was selfish of me but I just couldn't.

My Lola passed on March 1st, 2010.  Her funeral will be on March 13, 2010.

Lola, mahal kita.  I have loved you my whole life.  I thank you for raising me.  I hope that I have and will make you proud.